Beyond the façade: Rethinking fatherhood on father's day

Father's Day often arrives with a familiar chorus- praises for paternal sacrifice, sweat, and the quiet struggles of fathers to keep their families afloat. And while these narratives are true and worth celebrating, they tend to overshadow a pressing concern: the kind of men we are cultivating to become fathers in the future.

In today's increasingly performative world, there is a visible breed of men who present themselves as allies of feminism and champions of gender equality. They cheer for diversity panels, question the absence of women on public platforms, advocate for parenthood beyond the binary of motherhood and fatherhood, and appear to stand tall for women's liberation. However, when the stage lights dim and the curtains close, their convictions often vanish. Behind closed doors, some of these men reveal a very different face.

These are the men who use the language of liberation to mask their own entitlement. In private, they humiliate their partners in subtle but brutal ways: belittling them for their looks, dismissing their emotions, or treating their belongings like garbage. They flirt openly in front of their partners, their gaze transfixed by any woman they deem more attractive. And when questioned, they respond with lectures about equity, conveniently turning the conversation into a critique of the woman’s insecurity or behavior.

Furthermore, they behave with utmost sophistication with their partners in public, but their transformation is sharp, quick, and almost effortless. One of my colleagues mentioned that her partner shifts in such a subtle way that these derogatory actions are not direct, yet deeply harmful. One needs to be tactical enough to respond to this because responding directly often backfires, turning into a mental toll for the victim. Honestly, mere words are not enough to fully express the psychological gymnastics victims endure in such scenarios.

Worse still, some of these self-proclaimed progressives inflict emotional, psychological, and even physical harm on their partners, using them as emotional punching bags while reserving their charm and reverence for women they idealise as “better”. Some of these manipulative abuses come wrapped in sarcasm and casual remarks, aimed at undermining a partner’s confidence. Upon confrontation, they redirect the narrative, gaslight, and leave their partners confused, questioning their own worth and sanity.

This duplicity is not only hypocritical; it is dangerous.

During a recent conversation with a female professor, she shared a deeply troubling experience. She often encounters these men even in the most mundane settings, like on flights, where their entitlement bleeds into her personal space. When she asserts her boundaries, they respond with humiliating comments. One such man, offended by her reaction, mockingly told her she should book two seats next time, a dig at her body and a glaring example of their casual cruelty.

This kind of behavior reveals a disturbing pattern: the public posture of progressivism and the private practice of patriarchy. We must question not only the fathers we celebrate today but also the values we are passing down to those who will step into fatherhood tomorrow.

True fatherhood and true manhood must be rooted in empathy, consistency, and integrity. It is not enough to speak the language of liberation; one must live it, especially when no one is watching. Until we challenge the double lives of pseudo-liberal men, the fight for gender equity will remain a performance rather than a principle.

This Father's Day, let us not only honor the good fathers we know but also raise our voices against the hypocrisy we see. Let us demand more from the men around us. Because the fathers of tomorrow are being shaped today.

*Fariha Nowrin is an educationalist. She can be reached at fariha.nowrin01@northsouth.edu / fariha.nowrin@cub.edu.bd