Still I find it hard to accept but there are times, when the news hits me hard, the sad reality sinks in and I end up erupting like a volcano but instead of lava, tears leap from my eyes and flow like a waterfall! The void that has been created and established like a huge crater will never be filled! Never have I felt so lost and my entire world has flipped over and I feel that I am without any direction!
When your loved ones are experiencing excruciating pain, you hardly can consider social distancing or to take the necessary measures to protect yourself. From the beginning of her illness, I was there for her and never did I think that I would contract it, as my job was to protect her and I acted as a shield, a vanguard…to thwart any incoming invaders away, in this case, the much dreaded coronavirus, invisible to the naked eye, however, the presence could be felt and its reverberations made us well aware of its unwelcome presence!
I was actually infected back in January and counted on my antibodies for protection but alas, I was infected again. I did develop a slight cough and my temperature began to rise, during her last week, I was already going through fever and by the time I finished with her funeral, I was like a zombie, oblivious to my own body as I was just focused to save her. It was only after her funeral that I lost all composure and my mind and body gave in and my oxygen saturation levels went on a downward spiral and before I knew it, I was in a hospital bed, going through the same tubes, injections, antibiotics, steroids and the rest, which my mother had to go through. I lied to my father, and told him that I just needed a bit of nursing care, as my body went in shock because I did not want him to worry, as losing mum was more than bad enough.
In my mind, I kept thinking of one of the promises that I made to her about taking care of my youngest brother and I knew that I needed to regain my strength to fulfill that promise. I felt like a soldier who had failed in the battle to save his mother, and the hospital days felt like I was a prisoner of war, taken hostage by the same belligerent coronavirus that had taken the life of my mother. My mother was a fighter and she raised me as such, to overcome oppression of any sort, and with that in mind, I continued my struggle against the virus and finally got discharged from hospital after ten tiring days. Never did I feel alone, as in my mind, I had her presence at all times… encouraging me to move on!
The void left by her will never be fulfilled and our home does not feel like a home anymore! It is shrouded by fond memories of our time together but instantly turned melancholic by her departure. The beautiful past echoes the lovely times that made it a home and the present instantly reminds me of the harsh reality that she is no longer here with me and it is a bygone era, never to return. All I am left with is the wonderful memories of our time together! As I am writing this, I am again on the verge of tears and the pain that I am feeling was never felt before. I am screaming inside in pain and despair, with a ballistic cocktail of emotions that is about to explode! Angry at her for leaving us so abruptly, which I think is very rude even after promising me at the ICU of her hospital that she will return home. Part of me has gone numb, as if I am drowning in morphine or a local anesthesia left me paralysed. My entire world has flipped over and my perception of life has totally changed, everything feels so temporary! She was taken from me so suddenly and I am here all alone!
Mum always dreamt big and installed this habit amongst us, all her children and dear ones. Not just to dream big but also to work and strive hard to make such dreams come true. She always provided us selflessly with opportunities that she herself was deprived of; one of them was education abroad. I have spent significant years of my life abroad engaging in self-development, thanks to my mother and father. We were continents apart yet I never felt far off from her. We were connected through work, studies and research, her promotional work internationally or in some other way. Technological innovations made communication easier and we would convey our feelings from faraway lands with ease.
Red letter days, like that of birthdays or Eid were obviously special and I have fond memories of Eid, when she tirelessly began to make food preparations the night before Eid, so that we would be welcomed back with a feast, as soon as we returned from the mosque. Her culinary skills were exemplary, not saying that solely because she was my mother but rather echoing the torrent of compliments that were showered on her by others. She welcomed us back each Eid from the mosque with an enormous feast, which she tirelessly engaged herself in from the night before and throughout the day, she still had energy to participate in playing games or engaging in conversations with her dear ones. Still unfathomable, that she will not be here during Eid, which makes me want to have Eid postponed!
Eid or any day with her was something memorable, as she was a ball of positive energy that would enlighten anyone’s day! Often on Eid, we would engage in light banter and play games, especially when we were very young. She adored children and would create such an atmosphere to entertain kids that everyone wanted to be a part of our household, and there would not be any shortage of visitors. Flowers, balloons, firecrackers were some of the merry making ingredients that she would acquire for us to celebrate Eid!
I miss her to bits every single second, albeit not having lived in the same continent for a long while or even spending every single minute together being in the same home. Her presence was felt everywhere and she were like a protective umbrella for us all. Currently, I am on the mend from Covid19 pneumonia and I terribly miss her helping us whilst being ill and to be honest, in the last few years, we were constantly bothered by a few individuals that wanted to take over our home by force. There were incidents where she was even assaulted and I was there to protect her, and I have grave concerns that these individuals will take their chances with me, as the court cases lodged against them are far from over and the criminal investigation regarding her assault was never properly done andwas being constantly postponed even after numerous complaints and general diaries against the culprits. They are already showing signs of noncooperation, and what she made look so easy is proving to be such a cumbersome task for me . May I have her strength and support from heaven in combatting any such obstacles!
* Shaker Chisty is the elder son of the recently departed actress Sarah Begum Kabori