Marriage, a 'social curse' in Chattogram

There is excitement all over. It is 6 October and as night falls, guests flock to the house of Saira Akhter Rahi. They are her relatives, friends and neighbours coming to attend the first event of her marriage ceremony -- known as 'mehedi raat', in the culture of Chattogram, the night before the wedding reception.

As soon as they enter the yard, the aroma of biryani tickles their olfactory senses. A gaudily decorated stage in the yard catches their attention. After the gala dinner, at midnight, they all burst out in joy. Some pose for photographs with the bride on stage and some dance in front of the stage with Hindi songs blaring from the sound boxes.

Their boisterous celebrations continue till deep into the night.

At noon the following noon, all guests , family and relatives of the groom, move towards a local community centre, boarding microbuses to enjoy the gourmet meal that comprises chicken, beef, mutton and lobster dishes in line with the culture of Chattogram.

After all guests eat to their hearts' content, Rahi is taken to her in-laws house where she begins the next chapter of her life. This is the 'front stage' of the two-day traditional wedding party in Chattogram.

The 'back stage' of this drama is full of agony, pain and burden. It is the stage where the bride, groom and their families confront the harsh reality.   

The 18-year-old bride Rahi, who asked to use a pseudonym, is now living at her in-laws' house. But her family is struggling to repay the loans they had taken to arrange the jaw-dropping extravaganza, centering her marriage.

Her brother, Abu Hanifa, requesting to be unnamed, said they spent Tk 600,000 for the two-day exorbitant affair. They had only Tk 100,000 in bank deposits, and the rest they borrowed from their closest relatives on promise of repaying as soon as possible. 

Hanifa, a resident of Boalkhali upazila, works for a private company and earns Tk 14,000 per month after completing his diploma course from a polytechnic institute, while his father runs a small shop that makes around Tk 15,000 monthly.

"It doesn't matter to society whether you can afford it or not . But the matter is, you have to spend a hefty amount of money on rich and delicious food and providing gifts to the groom's family. Otherwise, the bride is denigrated at her in-laws house while her family is scorned by society," he added.  

Hanifa said most of the people of his area go to the Middle East to earn money, instead of studying in college and university. They earn a lot of money there and return to the country to marry, arranging an extravagant wedding events. 

"If you afford the luxury, you can do that. But it is not for us. We are middle-class people. We survive hand to mouth. But society never understands our situation. They always judge the situation from the angle of the expatriate," Hanifa lamented, saying his family also married off his younger sister to an expatriate.      

So, despite the financial hardship, they had to arrange meals for 1000 people, including 450 from groom side, at a local community center that cost nearly Tk 300,000, including the Tk 25,000 rent of the community center. As per the tradition, the rent of the community is paid by the bride family.  

"My brother-in-law (husband of Rahi) didn't demand any furniture from us. But we presented them a bed, almirah and sofa set, spending Tk 130,000. It's a gift. It's a tradition," Hanifa said.

"That is not the end. We have to send them clothes on Eid-ul-Fitr, sacrificial animal on Eid-ul-Azha and mangoes, lychees and pineapples in the summer. It is not a matter of whether we can bear the expenses or not. Reality is, we have to do it to save my sister and my family from society's harsh judgment," he said in an enraged voice.

Talking about the loan, Hanifa said he doesn't know how long it would take to repay the loan because his family is struggling to survive amid the rising inflation.

"The prices of all commodities have increased, but my income has not. This is the first time in four years that the company deducted my salary for being absent at the workplace due to the illness," he added.     

"All say the trend of dowry doesn't exist anymore. But it still prevails in the guise of tokens and gifts. And we are those unfortunate people who are bearing the brunt. Who knows how long this will prevail? Who knows how long we will endure this burden," Idris, 20, another resident of Boalkhali, said.

Idris, who married off his sister recently to an expatriate, said his father, the sole earner of his family, runs a grocery shop at the local market, drawing Tk 20,000 a month, but they needed Tk 500,000 to arrange a lavish wedding ceremony.

Of the amount, food and elaborate decoration took Tk 300,000 and the remaining Tk 200,000 was used for furniture and groom's attire.

"I borrowed Tk 300,000 from my relatives to host the party. I didn't do it willingly. I was forced by society to make it so grand," he claimed.  

Idris, who asked to remain anonymous, said they sent 200 'bhapa pitha', a winter delicacy made of rice flour, coconut and jaggery, to his sister's in-laws' house, spending nearly Tk 8000.

"Ramadan is coming. So we will have to send several iftar items plus Eid clothes to their family. That will probably cost Tk 20,000," he said, venting his anger.

Sabina Yeasmin, who teaches sociology at Uttar Gomdandi High School in Boalkhali, told Prothom Alo that sending gifts and arranging over-the-top events have no religious ground. But the tradition has been persisting for so long. It has become a social curse.

While women face physical and mental torture at their in-laws' house, their families are looked down upon in the society, if they fail to comply with the so-called social norms. That's why the brides' families send gifts to the in-laws' house at any cost, she added. 

Mohammad Zunayed, 30, a resident of Banshkhali, tied the knot on 12 March in 2020, spending Tk 700,000.  

"Since I have to run my family, I didn't have any savings at the time of marriage. So, I took a loan of Tk 500,000 from a private bank to meet the expenses. I bought seven bhori of gold at Tk 65,000 per bhori, that is Tk 455,000 in total, to present the bride as per the demand," Zunayed, the general manager of Smart Bio-Inception Limited, said.

According to him, he spent more Tk 70,000 to purchase wedding clothes and other jewelries for the bride.

"I intended to set Tk 500,000 to Tk 700,000 for mohrana -- the amount is given by the husband to the bride at the time of marriage. But I signed the paper with Tk 1.2 million mohrana. Fixing a hefty amount for mohrana has become a so-called social rule in Chattogram," he said.

"I wanted to hold the marriage ceremony in a simple manner maintaining austerity. I couldn't do that due to the demands. If you want to get married in Chattogram, you have to be ready to spend money. Otherwise, you will be deemed ineligible for marriage. It cannot be a tradition," Zunayed lamented.   

Mohammad Kayes Ahmed (pseudynom), a resident of Boalkhali, married recently.

He works at a life insurance company at Tk 12,000 per month. But he had to promise to give Tk one million to his wife as mohrana.

Slamming society’s so-called system, Kayes said, "According to Islam, it has to be fixed as per capability of the groom. But what is going on here is completely against the religion."

"They (society) always talk about religion. They say conjugal life must abide by Islamic Shariah. But they blatantly violate religious rule while imposing the burden of moharana on the husband," he added.  

Mohammad Rabiul Hossain, a Dhaka University student from Anowara upazila in Chattogram, echoed him.

"I think no other district of the country has such a system that a big amount of money will have to be set for mohrana. It's a burden for the groom. Sometimes, both the bride and groom families lock in altercation centering the issue. The quarrel can even lead to divorce," Rabiul added.

The bride's family should rather focus on the quality of the groom, his educational qualifications and job, he commented. It's a mental pressure that a man has to bear until it is paid. But in most cases it remains unpaid and the wife doesn't claim it further. So, why is the burden imposed on the groom, he questioned. 

Monirul Islam, who works for an international development organisation, got married this year.

"I arranged a sumptuous, yet simple, event at home with some of my closest relatives. Marriage is an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, not a luxury with gourmet food and glamourous garb. To my mind, money cannot buy happiness. That's why I didn't intend a cushy event that could impose a burden on both husband and wife after the marriage," Monirul said.

Monirul said he didn't take any loan for his small arrangement, adding he spent Tk 30,000 to purchase the bride's wedding outfit and fixed Tk 500,000 for the mohorana. 

"We are following some socially constructed norms and rules during marriage. To me, it is the ideal marriage which would bring peace and joy in life, not burden, grief and agony. It needs to be changed by any means. If necessary, I won't think twice to take to the streets to bring a radical change to this end," he further added.

Sabina Yasmin believes if people are literate, aware and self-sufficient then the so-called tradition will fade away. People will have to change their mindset and outlook. Both the prospective bride and groom will have to convince their families saying marriage doesn't mean pressuring each other for demands. It is a sacred bondage between a man and a woman.  

"We all have to break the so-called social system and move forward. Society is irrational and outdated. It will not be wise if we act in the light of their thoughts, she said, hoping the society will come round soon from such illness."

Rabiul Hossain said he advocates for such a type of marriage which will be arranged in a simple manner within one's capability, adhering to the religious belief.

"I want both bride and groom to remain free of burden and mental pressure after marriage and to lead happy life together. No bride's family should have to burst into tears when managing money to send gifts to the groom's family," he said.